Ancestry Joke

A modest gentleman in speaking of his family, said: "The Hardson family is a very, very old family. The line runs away back into antiquity. We not know how far back it runs, but it's a long, long way back, and history of the Hardson family is recorded in five volumes. In about the middle of the third volume, in a marginal note, we read, 'About this time the world was created.'"

Your Morning Smile

Your Morning Smile

A divinity student named Tweedle
Refused to accept his degree;
He didn't object to the "Tweedle,"
But hated the "Tweetle, D.D."

One that was too fast for him

A Frenchman was relating his experience in studying the English language. He said, "When I discovered that if I was quick, I was fast; that if I was tied, I was fast; if I spent too freely, I was fast; and that not to eat was to fast, I was discouraged. But when I came across the sentence, 'The first one won one-dollar prize,' I gave up trying."

The Blonde and the Thermos

A blonde-haired woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object she asks, "What is that?"
The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos."
The blonde then asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." So she buys one.
The next day she brings it to work with her. Her boss, also a blond asks, "What is that shiny object?"
She replies, "It's a thermos."
He asks "what does it do?"
She says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
He then asks, "What do you have in there?"
She replies, "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."

Cow Jokes

Here are some cow jokes from Daniel Elden Drake,DVM, grandson and namesake of Elden Hurst.

What do you call a cow that's just given birth? Decalfenated.

How does a farmer count his cows? Using his cowlculator.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean Ground Beef.

Collection

1.A day without sunshine is like night.


2.. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15 When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Slinkies

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Note: OK, maybe Dad wouldn't like this one.

Security Search

A woman was asked to open her bag when she visited the annual Army show on a nearby base. She was appalled by the indignity and said so: "You searched me last year!"

Veteran

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Poet

A backward poet writes inverse.

Cannibals

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Fortune-teller

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Change

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."

Grass

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."

Baseball

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Hat Rack

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head."

Cults

Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

Atheism

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Nudist Camp

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Flies

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.